cloud 17.9

i'm fully aware that every single one of my posts for the past little while have all been about one thing... i'm sure for some people who read this, it's probably kind of annoying haha.

but the truth is, i have nothing else to write about as of late. and in a way, i feel like that's a good thing.

i have absolutely no drama in my life. i have so many indescribably incredible people surrounding me. i'm happy and healthy, emotionally and physically. my job - although i still plan on leaving for a better opportunity eventually - has picked up and i'm working everyday, therefore making decent money.

but the icing on top of everything (and the whipped cream AND cherry) is that i have fallen so head over heels, crazy in love with someone amazing. i never thought i would find this kind of love again... and to have it now, and have it trump anything i've ever felt before... is almost overwhelming. in the best way possible.

deep inside of you

i can't imagine how much more i could possibly adore you.

i've got the cure for you

♥

paperweight

i've been this way with so many before...
but this feels like the first time.

honest.

aim snap fall

aside from the fact that it's way too soon to be planning our lives out... promises and forevers scare me. and they probably always will from here on out.

people hurt people all the time. without meaning to, or realizing it. people fall in love thinking... 'this is it... i want this person for the rest of my life', and yet feelings change. that's life. that's love. i've lived and loved and lost. i wouldn't have had it any other way, because here i am... in love again, happier - not only in my relationship - but in pretty much every single aspect of my life, than i have ever been before.

but i know what i want... and what i want is right here with you.

one promise i can make full well knowing i will not break it, is that no matter what... i will always be here for you. i will always try. i will always be your friend at the very least. don't ever forget it.

engine heart

when we initially started talking, i had doubts because of the age difference.
when we started hanging out, i had doubts because you didn't want anything serious.
when we started being exclusive, i had doubts because you hadn't let go of the past.
now that you're mine, i have no doubts at all.

i can't get enough of you.
when you're lying next to me, i can't be close enough to you.

i don't care what you say, you're perfect... for me.

fear and loathing

i believe in equality. i believe that everyone is entitled to feel how they feel, believe what they believe, and love who they want to love. i believe that there is nothing wrong with anyone's religious beliefs.

however, i also believe that there's a difference between having opinions and beliefs, and shoving them down people's throats in an attempt to "save" or "change" that person.

i have a news flash for you... NO ONE CHOOSES TO BE HETEROSEXUAL, therefore... NO ONE CHOOSES TO BE GAY, LESBIAN, QUEER, TRANSGENDERED, etc. if you were treated like shit, made fun of, considered an "abomination", made death threats against, bullied, beaten up for being heterosexual, don't you think you would change that part of yourself IF you could? there are people all over this world being put down and made to feel like a piece of shit or a birth defect, simply because of who they love. teens are committing suicide more and more because they just can't handle the pressures of society and the bullying they are enduring. how could anyone possibly believe that any of us CHOOSE this? it's fucking ridiculous.

we are all human beings. there are billions of us in this world. don't you think it would be pretty fucking boring if we all believed in the same thing? if we all were heterosexual? if we were all christian/hindu/buddhist or whatever religion? open your fucking minds. educate yourselves.

all yours

everytime i look at you, i have to remind myself that you're finally mine.

but you are

you're so worth it.

signs

raise it up

and in the spring i shed my skin
and it blows away with the changing wind
the water has turned from blue to red
as towards the sky i offer it

this is a gift, it comes with a price
who is the lamb and who is the knife?
midas is king and he holds me so tight
and turns me to gold in the sunlight

grey's anatomy

"change is constant; it's how we embrace it that matters. it can feel like death, or it can feel like another chance at life."

i feel it in my bones

i am happy.
truly and completely happy.

abandon all ships

actions speak louder then words.
i left my hand out there, waiting in the air for you to grab hold of...
but you didn't reach back, you just turned away.

so don't expect another leap of faith from me.

there's no "i" in team

swallow your pride, i swallowed mine long ago.

if we ever meet again

i wish you knew how much your friendship really means to me.

soft shock

who woulda thought?

thank god for you

wasted daylight - stars

heat is a heavy head
keeps me in my bed
push aside the pillow
the whole room just turned yellow

three in the afternoon
we still haven't moved
siren sighs echo
a pulse through our window

i don't mind
i don't mind
this wasted, shaded daylight
i don't mind
i don't mind
this wasted, shaded daylight

pull in the body to twist
the thighs, the heels, the hips
constellation markings
across your body, drawings

telephone rings
but we'll just let it sing
hide out 'til tomorrow
i crawl into your shadow

in the way your hand hits the wave
in between the dreamer and the breath
long beside the bitter of the skin
today won't know when to begin

'til the bitter end

save your scissors

so this is what it feels like to have both feet planted firmly on the ground.

i look back at who i was 6 months ago, and a part of me is ashamed of a lot of the ways i acted and how i let my sadness overcome me. i'm not proud of every single thing i've done in my life, but i also wouldn't change anything. if i hadn't gone through it the way i did, i would never have made it out the way i have. i wouldn't have learned as much as i have. i wouldn't have changed and become someone i'm so proud of today.

through the process, i've let go of so many things that were tying me down before. i let go of all the negativity. i learned that i'm responsible for the way my life pans out and that i can no longer blame everything on what's happened to me in my past or on how other people have made me feel. i've cut all the drama out of my life and it's incredible how different everything feels now.

i'm sleeping now. every single night i'm sleeping a solid 8 hours or more. i'm not lying in bed every single night staring at the ceiling, my mind flooded with my thoughts. my anxiety is long gone. i'm no longer taking any kind of medications and i haven't been for a few months now, whereas i used to have to take something to sleep every single night and maybe something during the day just to keep going. i feel like i can breathe again.

i don't have it all figured out, i don't have every single aspect of my life put together, i'm so far from perfect it's not funny... but i'm fucking happy.

pride 2010 - you belong ♥

across the universe

i would never have thought i would enjoy being on my own as much as i do. and while it would be nice to have someone to crawl into bed with, i'm perfectly content in letting that happen when it's supposed to.

these dreams

i haven't slept this soundly on a continuous basis in years.

bittersweet symphony

i've honestly NEVER been this emotionally healthy in my life.

the best of times

i really hope time hasn't ruined all chance of us being friends again.
there are no hard feelings on my behalf, and i hope there are none on yours either.

it's safe to say this man saved my life

let's just call it what it is

i would never have been good enough for you.

strawberry fields

i just want you to know, i'm so glad you're a part of my life.
you don't know the impact you've had on me.

on the pursuit of happiness

i want to say thank you.

in the beginning i was so incredibly lost, hopeless, desperate, self-pitying. i was weak. i couldn't let go.

but in the past couple months i'm feeling refreshed. i feel like a new person. i used to concentrate so much on the people i wanted to like me that i couldn't see all the people around me who DID like me and wanted to be a part of my life. it didn't matter to me how many times i got hurt. and while there are SO many other reasons why this happened, i know that this was yet another contributing factor.

i'm learning more than i ever thought i could or would. i'm learning to let go of the people and things in my life that make me feel negatively. i'm learning to invest myself and my time and energy into the people who truly matter. i'm on the path of making goals for myself, small at first... but i'm hoping by the end of the year to have some kind of idea as to a program i would like to take in college. i'm learning how to be alone and not be miserable doing it. for the first time in my life, being single isn't terrible, it's what i need.

all in all i'm becoming someone i'm proud of. there are so many people to thank, and you are one of them.

plans

june 8th - my fucking birthday! i'm old :(
june 12th - birthday celebrations with a bunch of sexies
june 16th - bamboozled road show AKA third eye fucking blind!
july 3 & 4th - PRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE WOOP!
july 21st - bon jovi concert with my momma!
august 14th - BSB concert! (bahahahahahaha secretly excited and kinda ashamed)
august 17th - AEROSMITH BITCHES!

all in all i think it's gonna be a pretty awesome summer. i'm really looking forward to what it may bring and spending lots of time with my favourite people.

amends

i want to apologize for a lot of my actions and the way i handled things.
while i wasn't intentionally hurtful or mean, i know that i let my emotions get the best of me and i acted/spoke without thinking first.
i was selfish and feeling sorry for myself and i felt like letting go would mean forgetting and erasing.

but that person is gone now.

sowing season

there comes a point in your life where you have to make a choice. a choice between letting all the shitty things that have happened to you in the past affect the rest of your life and using them as excuses for your actions, thoughts, feelings, behaviour... or you can look them dead in the eye, acknowledge, accept and let go.

i refuse to let you be the reason i end up alone. i refuse to let you make me feel unloveable and unworthy of love. i refuse to let you be the excuses in my life. i refuse to let you be the reason i feel sorry for myself. i refuse to let anyone else but myself be responsible for how my life is going to play out.

it's up to no one else but me. no one else can be held accountable but me.

i'm letting this go... for good. the ball is in your court now, dad. if you want me, you know where to find me. maybe you will, maybe you won't.

but i don't want to be "poor me" anymore. i'm done.

bones

for the first time in my life, i'm ready to be on my own.

caught in the undertow

i've begun to realize... i have no idea who i am.

i take my head out of the game

i really wish you could just be upfront and honest with me.

loyalty

i could never talk badly about either of you.
i hope you know that.

blackbird

take these broken wings and learn to fly.

because

i'm terrified of a lot of things...
but i'm not afraid to love with everything i've got.