so this is what it feels like to have both feet planted firmly on the ground.
i look back at who i was 6 months ago, and a part of me is ashamed of a lot of the ways i acted and how i let my sadness overcome me. i'm not proud of every single thing i've done in my life, but i also wouldn't change anything. if i hadn't gone through it the way i did, i would never have made it out the way i have. i wouldn't have learned as much as i have. i wouldn't have changed and become someone i'm so proud of today.
through the process, i've let go of so many things that were tying me down before. i let go of all the negativity. i learned that i'm responsible for the way my life pans out and that i can no longer blame everything on what's happened to me in my past or on how other people have made me feel. i've cut all the drama out of my life and it's incredible how different everything feels now.
i'm sleeping now. every single night i'm sleeping a solid 8 hours or more. i'm not lying in bed every single night staring at the ceiling, my mind flooded with my thoughts. my anxiety is long gone. i'm no longer taking any kind of medications and i haven't been for a few months now, whereas i used to have to take something to sleep every single night and maybe something during the day just to keep going. i feel like i can breathe again.
i don't have it all figured out, i don't have every single aspect of my life put together, i'm so far from perfect it's not funny... but i'm fucking happy.
I'm at work, and I'm working away, and I'm thinking (because that's what I do) and I laugh at how naive I was, in December, to think that I was as strong as I needed to be.
ReplyDeleteEven now, being stronger than ever, I'd still fall apart the exact same way.
But damn, I'm a completely different man.
That doesn't change my truth any though, I still wish she loved me.