a new year, a new me

so, i would usually agree that new years resolutions are complete bullshit. we all start off the year vowing to lose weight, stop smoking, or whatever other cliche promise to ourselves... but no one ever commits to them. i'm going to make mine really simple.

1. i want to stop using derogatory words and terms such as: fag (i obviously do not use this in a hateful or discriminatory way towards homosexuals, more so as a joke nick name for some of my friends... nonetheless, it's wrong), pussy/dick (using body parts to describe someone in a negative way), gay, tranny (i do not use this anyways, but i will include it), retarded, or any racist word (such as the n word, spic, chink, etc.)

2. i've recently decided that i would like to ease my way into pescatarianism. i would like to say that i'm going full-fledged veggie, but i really can't live without sushi. i don't eat much red meat as is, and i won't eat pork at all... so cutting that out of my diet should be somewhat easy aside from when i have it in pasta. but instead of that i will just make pesto sauce, which will be more nutritional anyways considering it is made from basil leaves. cutting chicken out will be a little bit more difficult, especially considering it's just me and my mom here... and she isn't willing to change her diet. she prepares dinners and such, so it's not so much that it will be harder, because she will literally just be feeding me vegetables instead of having to cook some kind of meat for me... but will have to take one chicken breast (or whatever kind of meat) out of the freezer and keep the rest in there.

3. i need to get a move on when it comes to school. i've said it a billion times before, but recently i have been reading more into my program and looking at different colleges. my next step is going to be making an appointment with an advisor of some sort at the bank and discussing student loans/line of credit. i'm really excited and motivated to get this going now. i would really love to be back in school, learning about something i love and taking a step towards my future.

4. i need to get my driver's license. seriously. i finally REALLY have a reason to get it, what with seth being an hour away (driving, not by bus... which is anywhere from an hour and a half to three hours). what's even better is that i've recently discovered that even though my G1 expired, since i already went to driving school and all of that, when i redo my G1 test... i don't have to wait at all to get my G2. i will be waiting, because i need to get back into the swing of things, and i may even take a few more driving lessons to feel more comfortable, but i don't have to wait a year or anything, which is awesome.

2012 to do list.

- change my last name, legally.
- get my G1 (and eventually G2)
- save money for a car.
- save money in general.
- get a gym membership at good life.
- get a presto card.

...to be revisited.

jaded.

it feels like i have so much on my mind, and yet i've been sitting here staring at this screen for god knows how long, trying to figure out what it is i need to get off my chest. so many different thoughts are bouncing around inside my head, battling eachother and at the same time, my mind and my heart seem to be fighting eachother... who's going to win?

technically, not a lot has really happened as of late. i don't really have that much of a life because i work so much, and when i'm not at work... i'm with seth. growing up kind of sucks. everyone is off building their future, enjoying their relationships, growing up. a lot of the time, i feel like i'm kind of stuck here... at the end of the race and so very hesitant and afraid to cross the finish line into adulthood. i really would rather not grow up. and i think i become more and more scared of the future as the days and months go by, because i know i've wasted so much time in limbo, just doing nothing. i know it's going to be so much harder in 3 years (or whenever) going back to school, than it would have been if i had've just gone straight out of highschool. but i've always been very misguided and confused about my life and what i wanted to do with it. i always had an idea that i wanted to get into social work... but i let other people's opinions influence me. more and more i'm realizing, i would much rather do something i love than make loads of money and be miserable. but at the same time, money is so fucking relevant and important. i try to ignore it, and i spend it like i'm rich... because i don't care, because i want to have fun and live my life. but i'm slowly realizing it's not that simple. ugh.

ps. i'm admitting it. my name is sara, and i am a shopaholic. i need to get a grip on it. and realize that clothes and movies and material things, do not define who i am... nor do they fill up any voids i may have. they are just taking up space and money. i really need to get my act together.

relationship wise... things are up and down. sometimes i feel as though we are doomed. we literally cannot catch a break and if it's not one thing, it's the other. the majority of our issues are completely out of our control and that's what frustrates me so much. there's really nothing i can do to change anything or make anything better. i just have to grin and bare it... but sometimes it's not that easy. but somehow, i feel very safe with him... more so than i ever have. i really do trust that he's not going to just give up when the going gets rough. maybe this is just a test we have to pass... and we will. i love that boy so much it hurts my heart sometimes, in the best way possible. and that is how i know i will never give up the fight.

i guess that's all for now. i do feel much better after writing (and a glass of wine).

:)

exactly my brand of heroin.

i don't ever wanna come down from this high.

sometimes, it feels as though i have been numb to my love for you. all of a sudden, it hits me like a tidal wave.

sometimes, in the most ordinary of moments, i'll look at you and instantly feel whole and pure and full of life and love. so lucky just to have my fingers intertwined with yours.

you make my heart tingle and pound. flutter and fall into the pit of my stomach, in the most absolutely wonderful way. just one touch, one kiss, one look, and you've got me wrapped around your finger.

seth michael white, you are my heart and soul. my everything. my all. my one and only love.
only you, no matter what... always.

my every heartbeat goes out to you.

but you are.

it's safe to say, it seems as though the universe doesn't want us to last. we have a lot on our plate as a couple, and a lot on our plates as individuals and i'm not naive... i know that it's only going to get harder, the older we get and the more responsibilities we gain.

truth be told, i think us meeting was in perfect timing. i know now, looking back, that i was much too fragile to be able to deal with my own stuff, let alone playing such a supportive role in someone else's life. getting my heart shattered was probably the best thing that could've ever happened to me... it made me ready for you.

i am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. that we meet people on purpose, not by chance. you were meant to be a part of my life, and it wasn't until i was completely over my past and ready to take this on, that you and i finally met. everything that's happened, has lead me here... to you.

maybe the universe doesn't want us to last... but i don't want to let go. it doesn't matter, the battles we have to fight, the fire we may have to walk through, the troubles we may have to endure. i know it will be hard as hell, but you are so worth it. we are.

i love you, and as long as we keep our fingers intertwined, we can face anything.
don't let go.

a day to remember.

in this very moment, i feel as if i could explode out of happiness. i sit here in my basement, sobbing, because i am so completely overwhelmed with emotion. it is a wonderful day.

to the love of my life, my incredible boyfriend... i am so beyond proud of you. in a period of 6 months, you have completely transformed your life. words cannot express how in awe i am of you. you inspire me everyday just by being yourself. i hope this is the start of those adorable smiles that i catch forming on your face. the ones that you try so hard to hold back. let them out and let them shine. you've waited 20 long and painful years for this, and your day has finally arrived. bask in this glorious day, seth. i love you, so much.

23.

"no one else will have me, like you do. no one else will have me, only you."

keep your ignorance to yourself, please and thx

i find it really quite interesting that people whom i haven't talked to in a year, and never really talked that much to when we did talk, feel as if they have a right to know what's in my partner's pants. while i somewhat expected things like this to occur, i guess part of me had too much faith in people and i figured that since i hadn't heard anything in the past 3 months since my relationship status has changed, that i wouldn't hear anything at all. humans make mistakes by nature, and we're also very curious... i get that. but if you're seriously going to message me saying "yoo dude long time no talk. question out of pure curiosity, are you dating a DUDE?" ...don't expect an answer. thank you for making it seem like you actually give a shit about me, or what i've been up to since we last talked ...really. and i'd like to know why exactly it matters who i'm dating and what their genitals look like. is it because you want to know if i'm still a 'lesbian'? or is it because you're uneducated and ignorant? probably a mix of both. does it even matter to you whether my partner makes me happy? how long we've been together? whether i'm in love or not? i guess not. so thank you to the 'friend' i hadn't talked to in quite some time, who felt like she so desperately needed to know my partner's gender. i guess you will never know, now will you.

intertwined

this is so much more than anything i've ever felt.

my only sunshine

i know we're meant to be together because i miss you before i've even left.
because when you touch me, i get shivers all over.
because when i'm having a bad day, you're the first person i want to talk to.
because you are truly my best friend.
because i still, after 5 months, get butterflies over the silliest and smallest things.
because i can read you so easily, just by looking into your eyes.
because you are my other half, utterly and completely.

no matter what else is going on around me, and what may not be working out for me right now, i still know i'm the luckiest girl in the world to belong to you.

back to the drawing board

i feel like an utter and complete failure.
i feel ashamed of myself.
i feel like a disappointment and a let down to everyone around me.
and most of all, i feel completely lost.

you've got the love

i'm going to give you my whole heart.
i'm going to give you everything in me that i never knew i had, until i met you.

ps.

i want to spend my forever with you.

a new dawn, a new day

the past little while has been really crazy for me. i feel like i haven't stayed in one spot for longer than a few days. it feels like nothing is organized and my mind is scattered everywhere and oozing out of my ears, haha.

a few months back, i applied for a job as an ambulance communications officer. i went through all of the testing and the most intense interview i have ever, and probably will ever do. but i didn't hear anything back. initially, i wasn't super stoked or anything about the job... but after going through all of that, i wanted it bad. i had been working at ae for a year and a half at this point, and although things were starting to get better and become much more enjoyable there, i wasn't getting the hours i needed. so at this point, i would've worked pretty much anywhere and that's why i applied.

a month or two go by, and i'm making a bit more money because of christmas... but still not enough to survive. i had been desperately looking for, and applying to jobs all over the place. whatever i could find. i ended up applying to about 70 jobs within a 4 or 5 month time frame. i went for a couple interviews, but had heard nothing back. it seemed hopeless.

then after an ortho appointment one day, the receptionist at the office said she might know of a friend of hers that could offer me a job. so she faxed him my resume. still, i didn't hear from jason until just about a month ago. i went in for the interview a couple days later, and was hired on the spot. a full time position doing data entry for a company called direct communications inc., that worked under rogers wireless. i worked there for 4 days, when all of a sudden my mom texts me saying paul ariss from MOHLTC calls, saying they had been alotted more slots to be filled for the ACO1 position. at this point, i'm content in my job... i get weekends off, which i need to be able to see my boyfriend and have any kind of social life. i'm freaking out thinking i would be working so much at the EMS job that i would never have time to do anything; go to the gym, watch tv/movies, go out, see seth... anything. but i call anyways.

the next thing i knew, i had been congratulated on being hired for the position of an ACO1 ambulance communications officer at the mississauga C.A.C.C. i couldn't believe it. i was told i needed to start monday, and travel to barrie for orientation. which meant i had to quit not only my current full time job, but also ae (because i hadn't had the chance to go in and talk to them) on the spot. no week or two weeks notice.

so i did what i had to do. monday morning, i quit both jobs. i travelled to barrie tuesday morning and started orientation. and since then it's been a rollercoaster ride. i am now in toronto doing the entry to practice ACO training, for the next 7 weeks. i have been put up in a fancy hotel, all accomodations paid for. i can't express how hard this is, or how intense the pressure is that is put on you to learn quickly, and i'm not ashamed to say i've cried 3 times already. but i'm doing it. even if my brains feel like they're leaking out of my ears or my head is heavy because it's jam packed with information i have to know like the back of my hand... i will do this. i'm going to save lives and have a real and fulfilling career. there's nothing that can hold me back now... i'm going full throttle at this and giving it everything i have in me, because i want this so bad i can taste it.

and i swear, if anything else good happens to me... i might explode.

i'll be

stop thinking of all the reasons it might not work out, and start focusing on the reasons why it can and will.

there is nothing anyone else in this world could give me, that you can't... because all i could ever want and need from anyone, is love. you make me smile, give me butterflies, support me, listen to me, you're never anything but honest with me.

there's no where i would rather be than standing right beside you, holding your hand... no matter what life throws at you/us.

i love you, seth. and that won't ever change.

this is for real

how do you do that?
how did you just go and make me feel like i'm falling, all over again?

tell me you would take me anywhere