jaded.

it feels like i have so much on my mind, and yet i've been sitting here staring at this screen for god knows how long, trying to figure out what it is i need to get off my chest. so many different thoughts are bouncing around inside my head, battling eachother and at the same time, my mind and my heart seem to be fighting eachother... who's going to win?

technically, not a lot has really happened as of late. i don't really have that much of a life because i work so much, and when i'm not at work... i'm with seth. growing up kind of sucks. everyone is off building their future, enjoying their relationships, growing up. a lot of the time, i feel like i'm kind of stuck here... at the end of the race and so very hesitant and afraid to cross the finish line into adulthood. i really would rather not grow up. and i think i become more and more scared of the future as the days and months go by, because i know i've wasted so much time in limbo, just doing nothing. i know it's going to be so much harder in 3 years (or whenever) going back to school, than it would have been if i had've just gone straight out of highschool. but i've always been very misguided and confused about my life and what i wanted to do with it. i always had an idea that i wanted to get into social work... but i let other people's opinions influence me. more and more i'm realizing, i would much rather do something i love than make loads of money and be miserable. but at the same time, money is so fucking relevant and important. i try to ignore it, and i spend it like i'm rich... because i don't care, because i want to have fun and live my life. but i'm slowly realizing it's not that simple. ugh.

ps. i'm admitting it. my name is sara, and i am a shopaholic. i need to get a grip on it. and realize that clothes and movies and material things, do not define who i am... nor do they fill up any voids i may have. they are just taking up space and money. i really need to get my act together.

relationship wise... things are up and down. sometimes i feel as though we are doomed. we literally cannot catch a break and if it's not one thing, it's the other. the majority of our issues are completely out of our control and that's what frustrates me so much. there's really nothing i can do to change anything or make anything better. i just have to grin and bare it... but sometimes it's not that easy. but somehow, i feel very safe with him... more so than i ever have. i really do trust that he's not going to just give up when the going gets rough. maybe this is just a test we have to pass... and we will. i love that boy so much it hurts my heart sometimes, in the best way possible. and that is how i know i will never give up the fight.

i guess that's all for now. i do feel much better after writing (and a glass of wine).

:)