jaded.

it feels like i have so much on my mind, and yet i've been sitting here staring at this screen for god knows how long, trying to figure out what it is i need to get off my chest. so many different thoughts are bouncing around inside my head, battling eachother and at the same time, my mind and my heart seem to be fighting eachother... who's going to win?

technically, not a lot has really happened as of late. i don't really have that much of a life because i work so much, and when i'm not at work... i'm with seth. growing up kind of sucks. everyone is off building their future, enjoying their relationships, growing up. a lot of the time, i feel like i'm kind of stuck here... at the end of the race and so very hesitant and afraid to cross the finish line into adulthood. i really would rather not grow up. and i think i become more and more scared of the future as the days and months go by, because i know i've wasted so much time in limbo, just doing nothing. i know it's going to be so much harder in 3 years (or whenever) going back to school, than it would have been if i had've just gone straight out of highschool. but i've always been very misguided and confused about my life and what i wanted to do with it. i always had an idea that i wanted to get into social work... but i let other people's opinions influence me. more and more i'm realizing, i would much rather do something i love than make loads of money and be miserable. but at the same time, money is so fucking relevant and important. i try to ignore it, and i spend it like i'm rich... because i don't care, because i want to have fun and live my life. but i'm slowly realizing it's not that simple. ugh.

ps. i'm admitting it. my name is sara, and i am a shopaholic. i need to get a grip on it. and realize that clothes and movies and material things, do not define who i am... nor do they fill up any voids i may have. they are just taking up space and money. i really need to get my act together.

relationship wise... things are up and down. sometimes i feel as though we are doomed. we literally cannot catch a break and if it's not one thing, it's the other. the majority of our issues are completely out of our control and that's what frustrates me so much. there's really nothing i can do to change anything or make anything better. i just have to grin and bare it... but sometimes it's not that easy. but somehow, i feel very safe with him... more so than i ever have. i really do trust that he's not going to just give up when the going gets rough. maybe this is just a test we have to pass... and we will. i love that boy so much it hurts my heart sometimes, in the best way possible. and that is how i know i will never give up the fight.

i guess that's all for now. i do feel much better after writing (and a glass of wine).

:)

exactly my brand of heroin.

i don't ever wanna come down from this high.

sometimes, it feels as though i have been numb to my love for you. all of a sudden, it hits me like a tidal wave.

sometimes, in the most ordinary of moments, i'll look at you and instantly feel whole and pure and full of life and love. so lucky just to have my fingers intertwined with yours.

you make my heart tingle and pound. flutter and fall into the pit of my stomach, in the most absolutely wonderful way. just one touch, one kiss, one look, and you've got me wrapped around your finger.

seth michael white, you are my heart and soul. my everything. my all. my one and only love.
only you, no matter what... always.

my every heartbeat goes out to you.

but you are.

it's safe to say, it seems as though the universe doesn't want us to last. we have a lot on our plate as a couple, and a lot on our plates as individuals and i'm not naive... i know that it's only going to get harder, the older we get and the more responsibilities we gain.

truth be told, i think us meeting was in perfect timing. i know now, looking back, that i was much too fragile to be able to deal with my own stuff, let alone playing such a supportive role in someone else's life. getting my heart shattered was probably the best thing that could've ever happened to me... it made me ready for you.

i am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. that we meet people on purpose, not by chance. you were meant to be a part of my life, and it wasn't until i was completely over my past and ready to take this on, that you and i finally met. everything that's happened, has lead me here... to you.

maybe the universe doesn't want us to last... but i don't want to let go. it doesn't matter, the battles we have to fight, the fire we may have to walk through, the troubles we may have to endure. i know it will be hard as hell, but you are so worth it. we are.

i love you, and as long as we keep our fingers intertwined, we can face anything.
don't let go.

a day to remember.

in this very moment, i feel as if i could explode out of happiness. i sit here in my basement, sobbing, because i am so completely overwhelmed with emotion. it is a wonderful day.

to the love of my life, my incredible boyfriend... i am so beyond proud of you. in a period of 6 months, you have completely transformed your life. words cannot express how in awe i am of you. you inspire me everyday just by being yourself. i hope this is the start of those adorable smiles that i catch forming on your face. the ones that you try so hard to hold back. let them out and let them shine. you've waited 20 long and painful years for this, and your day has finally arrived. bask in this glorious day, seth. i love you, so much.

23.

"no one else will have me, like you do. no one else will have me, only you."

keep your ignorance to yourself, please and thx

i find it really quite interesting that people whom i haven't talked to in a year, and never really talked that much to when we did talk, feel as if they have a right to know what's in my partner's pants. while i somewhat expected things like this to occur, i guess part of me had too much faith in people and i figured that since i hadn't heard anything in the past 3 months since my relationship status has changed, that i wouldn't hear anything at all. humans make mistakes by nature, and we're also very curious... i get that. but if you're seriously going to message me saying "yoo dude long time no talk. question out of pure curiosity, are you dating a DUDE?" ...don't expect an answer. thank you for making it seem like you actually give a shit about me, or what i've been up to since we last talked ...really. and i'd like to know why exactly it matters who i'm dating and what their genitals look like. is it because you want to know if i'm still a 'lesbian'? or is it because you're uneducated and ignorant? probably a mix of both. does it even matter to you whether my partner makes me happy? how long we've been together? whether i'm in love or not? i guess not. so thank you to the 'friend' i hadn't talked to in quite some time, who felt like she so desperately needed to know my partner's gender. i guess you will never know, now will you.

intertwined

this is so much more than anything i've ever felt.

my only sunshine

i know we're meant to be together because i miss you before i've even left.
because when you touch me, i get shivers all over.
because when i'm having a bad day, you're the first person i want to talk to.
because you are truly my best friend.
because i still, after 5 months, get butterflies over the silliest and smallest things.
because i can read you so easily, just by looking into your eyes.
because you are my other half, utterly and completely.

no matter what else is going on around me, and what may not be working out for me right now, i still know i'm the luckiest girl in the world to belong to you.

back to the drawing board

i feel like an utter and complete failure.
i feel ashamed of myself.
i feel like a disappointment and a let down to everyone around me.
and most of all, i feel completely lost.