i keep trying to remind myself that even though things aren't going the way i want them to, that i am lucky nonetheless.
there are days when i surprisingily think to myself... 'i wish i could back track to 2010 because it was the best year of my life'. how funny that one of the best years of my life so far was the year following a very difficult break-up. but i had to learn to stand on my own. to validate myself and not need it from anyone else. to sort out my problems and sorrows on my own, instead of putting all my weight on another person.
anyways, the point is... not everything is falling into place exactly how i wish they would. but... i have a steady, pretty much full-time job. i have a roof over my head, and food in my belly (thanks to my mom, now mostly vegetarian/organic food, which i'm sure is a pain in the ass and more expensive, but she supports me regardless). i have endless amounts of clothes... nice clothes, i might add. i have two adorable, and crazy, cats that i get to come home to every day. i have awesome friends, regardless of the fact that we all have our own adult lives now with growing responsibilities that keep us from seeing eachother as much as we'd like. i have a wonderful, intelligent, sensitive, goofy, supportive, loving, and incredibly handsome (i might add) boyfriend, who i know loves me deeply and for the first time, i feel safe while being in love... which isn't easy for me.
last but not least, i am the daughter to the most incredible mother. a mom who loves me unconditionally. a mom who compliments me every day. a mom who is proud of me, regardless of the fact that i am not pursuing a career in the field i went to school for... she's just proud of the person i am, and that is more important. a mother who brings me food at work all the time, because i'm too much of a spoiled, lazy brat to get up earlier in the mornings or take the time at night after work to make my own lunches/dinners. a mom who is always trying her best to understand me and the things i go through daily. a mom who, as i mentioned previously, is broke, but not too broke to spend money on food for her newly pescetarian daughter. i could go on and on... (i love you mom).
not everything is always perfect... but i need to remind myself now and again that i AM lucky.
1/24/12
my past self
i wish i could find that optimistic, happy, confident girl i was a year ago.
where did she go?
how do i get her back?
where did she go?
how do i get her back?
1/23/12
today
i feel...
ignored
invisible
not good enough
not strong enough
not pretty enough
not thin enough
not muscular enough
not girly enough
not smart enough
lost
missing
incomplete
helpless
so very sad
underappreciated
not worth it
alone
abandoned
worn out
run over
on fire
drowning...
ignored
invisible
not good enough
not strong enough
not pretty enough
not thin enough
not muscular enough
not girly enough
not smart enough
lost
missing
incomplete
helpless
so very sad
underappreciated
not worth it
alone
abandoned
worn out
run over
on fire
drowning...
1/20/12
flaw
i hate making people feel like shit, or bringing up my feelings if i know they may hurt the feelings of the other person... even if the way they're acting makes me feel like shit.
1/6/12
clumsy
i'm never going to be the skinny, pretty girl who can wear anything and get away with it. i'm not the girl who can wear fancy clothes, or pretty dresses, and pull them off. i'm just too plain.
i'm never going to be the girl with long, thick, flowing hair... or the girl who knows how to do lots of different cute styles with it.
i'm never going to be the girl with the nicest hair, or nicest boobs, or nicest ass. there's really nothing special about me. or anything that i really even like, aside from my complexion and eye colour.
i'm never going to be the most intelligent.
i'm never going to be the girl who has it all together, and who has gotten over the people/things that have hurt her in the past.
i'm never going to be anything but ordinary.
i'm never going to be the girl with long, thick, flowing hair... or the girl who knows how to do lots of different cute styles with it.
i'm never going to be the girl with the nicest hair, or nicest boobs, or nicest ass. there's really nothing special about me. or anything that i really even like, aside from my complexion and eye colour.
i'm never going to be the most intelligent.
i'm never going to be the girl who has it all together, and who has gotten over the people/things that have hurt her in the past.
i'm never going to be anything but ordinary.
1/3/12
invisible
it really hurts when nobody writes "i miss you" or "i love you" on your wall.
i'm trying my best.
i'm trying my best.
12/13/11
a new year, a new me
so, i would usually agree that new years resolutions are complete bullshit. we all start off the year vowing to lose weight, stop smoking, or whatever other cliche promise to ourselves... but no one ever commits to them. i'm going to make mine really simple.
1. i want to stop using derogatory words and terms such as: fag (i obviously do not use this in a hateful or discriminatory way towards homosexuals, more so as a joke nick name for some of my friends... nonetheless, it's wrong), pussy/dick (using body parts to describe someone in a negative way), gay, tranny (i do not use this anyways, but i will include it), retarded, or any racist word (such as the n word, spic, chink, etc.)
2. i've recently decided that i would like to ease my way into pescatarianism. i would like to say that i'm going full-fledged veggie, but i really can't live without sushi. i don't eat much red meat as is, and i won't eat pork at all... so cutting that out of my diet should be somewhat easy aside from when i have it in pasta. but instead of that i will just make pesto sauce, which will be more nutritional anyways considering it is made from basil leaves. cutting chicken out will be a little bit more difficult, especially considering it's just me and my mom here... and she isn't willing to change her diet. she prepares dinners and such, so it's not so much that it will be harder, because she will literally just be feeding me vegetables instead of having to cook some kind of meat for me... but will have to take one chicken breast (or whatever kind of meat) out of the freezer and keep the rest in there.
3. i need to get a move on when it comes to school. i've said it a billion times before, but recently i have been reading more into my program and looking at different colleges. my next step is going to be making an appointment with an advisor of some sort at the bank and discussing student loans/line of credit. i'm really excited and motivated to get this going now. i would really love to be back in school, learning about something i love and taking a step towards my future.
4. i need to get my driver's license. seriously. i finally REALLY have a reason to get it, what with seth being an hour away (driving, not by bus... which is anywhere from an hour and a half to three hours). what's even better is that i've recently discovered that even though my G1 expired, since i already went to driving school and all of that, when i redo my G1 test... i don't have to wait at all to get my G2. i will be waiting, because i need to get back into the swing of things, and i may even take a few more driving lessons to feel more comfortable, but i don't have to wait a year or anything, which is awesome.
1. i want to stop using derogatory words and terms such as: fag (i obviously do not use this in a hateful or discriminatory way towards homosexuals, more so as a joke nick name for some of my friends... nonetheless, it's wrong), pussy/dick (using body parts to describe someone in a negative way), gay, tranny (i do not use this anyways, but i will include it), retarded, or any racist word (such as the n word, spic, chink, etc.)
2. i've recently decided that i would like to ease my way into pescatarianism. i would like to say that i'm going full-fledged veggie, but i really can't live without sushi. i don't eat much red meat as is, and i won't eat pork at all... so cutting that out of my diet should be somewhat easy aside from when i have it in pasta. but instead of that i will just make pesto sauce, which will be more nutritional anyways considering it is made from basil leaves. cutting chicken out will be a little bit more difficult, especially considering it's just me and my mom here... and she isn't willing to change her diet. she prepares dinners and such, so it's not so much that it will be harder, because she will literally just be feeding me vegetables instead of having to cook some kind of meat for me... but will have to take one chicken breast (or whatever kind of meat) out of the freezer and keep the rest in there.
3. i need to get a move on when it comes to school. i've said it a billion times before, but recently i have been reading more into my program and looking at different colleges. my next step is going to be making an appointment with an advisor of some sort at the bank and discussing student loans/line of credit. i'm really excited and motivated to get this going now. i would really love to be back in school, learning about something i love and taking a step towards my future.
4. i need to get my driver's license. seriously. i finally REALLY have a reason to get it, what with seth being an hour away (driving, not by bus... which is anywhere from an hour and a half to three hours). what's even better is that i've recently discovered that even though my G1 expired, since i already went to driving school and all of that, when i redo my G1 test... i don't have to wait at all to get my G2. i will be waiting, because i need to get back into the swing of things, and i may even take a few more driving lessons to feel more comfortable, but i don't have to wait a year or anything, which is awesome.
11/9/11
2012 to do list.
- change my last name, legally.
- get my G1 (and eventually G2)
- save money for a car.
- save money in general.
- get a gym membership at good life.
- get a presto card.
...to be revisited.
- get my G1 (and eventually G2)
- save money for a car.
- save money in general.
- get a gym membership at good life.
- get a presto card.
...to be revisited.
10/11/11
jaded.
it feels like i have so much on my mind, and yet i've been sitting here staring at this screen for god knows how long, trying to figure out what it is i need to get off my chest. so many different thoughts are bouncing around inside my head, battling eachother and at the same time, my mind and my heart seem to be fighting eachother... who's going to win?
technically, not a lot has really happened as of late. i don't really have that much of a life because i work so much, and when i'm not at work... i'm with seth. growing up kind of sucks. everyone is off building their future, enjoying their relationships, growing up. a lot of the time, i feel like i'm kind of stuck here... at the end of the race and so very hesitant and afraid to cross the finish line into adulthood. i really would rather not grow up. and i think i become more and more scared of the future as the days and months go by, because i know i've wasted so much time in limbo, just doing nothing. i know it's going to be so much harder in 3 years (or whenever) going back to school, than it would have been if i had've just gone straight out of highschool. but i've always been very misguided and confused about my life and what i wanted to do with it. i always had an idea that i wanted to get into social work... but i let other people's opinions influence me. more and more i'm realizing, i would much rather do something i love than make loads of money and be miserable. but at the same time, money is so fucking relevant and important. i try to ignore it, and i spend it like i'm rich... because i don't care, because i want to have fun and live my life. but i'm slowly realizing it's not that simple. ugh.
ps. i'm admitting it. my name is sara, and i am a shopaholic. i need to get a grip on it. and realize that clothes and movies and material things, do not define who i am... nor do they fill up any voids i may have. they are just taking up space and money. i really need to get my act together.
relationship wise... things are up and down. sometimes i feel as though we are doomed. we literally cannot catch a break and if it's not one thing, it's the other. the majority of our issues are completely out of our control and that's what frustrates me so much. there's really nothing i can do to change anything or make anything better. i just have to grin and bare it... but sometimes it's not that easy. but somehow, i feel very safe with him... more so than i ever have. i really do trust that he's not going to just give up when the going gets rough. maybe this is just a test we have to pass... and we will. i love that boy so much it hurts my heart sometimes, in the best way possible. and that is how i know i will never give up the fight.
i guess that's all for now. i do feel much better after writing (and a glass of wine).
:)
technically, not a lot has really happened as of late. i don't really have that much of a life because i work so much, and when i'm not at work... i'm with seth. growing up kind of sucks. everyone is off building their future, enjoying their relationships, growing up. a lot of the time, i feel like i'm kind of stuck here... at the end of the race and so very hesitant and afraid to cross the finish line into adulthood. i really would rather not grow up. and i think i become more and more scared of the future as the days and months go by, because i know i've wasted so much time in limbo, just doing nothing. i know it's going to be so much harder in 3 years (or whenever) going back to school, than it would have been if i had've just gone straight out of highschool. but i've always been very misguided and confused about my life and what i wanted to do with it. i always had an idea that i wanted to get into social work... but i let other people's opinions influence me. more and more i'm realizing, i would much rather do something i love than make loads of money and be miserable. but at the same time, money is so fucking relevant and important. i try to ignore it, and i spend it like i'm rich... because i don't care, because i want to have fun and live my life. but i'm slowly realizing it's not that simple. ugh.
ps. i'm admitting it. my name is sara, and i am a shopaholic. i need to get a grip on it. and realize that clothes and movies and material things, do not define who i am... nor do they fill up any voids i may have. they are just taking up space and money. i really need to get my act together.
relationship wise... things are up and down. sometimes i feel as though we are doomed. we literally cannot catch a break and if it's not one thing, it's the other. the majority of our issues are completely out of our control and that's what frustrates me so much. there's really nothing i can do to change anything or make anything better. i just have to grin and bare it... but sometimes it's not that easy. but somehow, i feel very safe with him... more so than i ever have. i really do trust that he's not going to just give up when the going gets rough. maybe this is just a test we have to pass... and we will. i love that boy so much it hurts my heart sometimes, in the best way possible. and that is how i know i will never give up the fight.
i guess that's all for now. i do feel much better after writing (and a glass of wine).
:)
9/7/11
exactly my brand of heroin.
i don't ever wanna come down from this high.
sometimes, it feels as though i have been numb to my love for you. all of a sudden, it hits me like a tidal wave.
sometimes, in the most ordinary of moments, i'll look at you and instantly feel whole and pure and full of life and love. so lucky just to have my fingers intertwined with yours.
you make my heart tingle and pound. flutter and fall into the pit of my stomach, in the most absolutely wonderful way. just one touch, one kiss, one look, and you've got me wrapped around your finger.
seth michael white, you are my heart and soul. my everything. my all. my one and only love.
only you, no matter what... always.
sometimes, it feels as though i have been numb to my love for you. all of a sudden, it hits me like a tidal wave.
sometimes, in the most ordinary of moments, i'll look at you and instantly feel whole and pure and full of life and love. so lucky just to have my fingers intertwined with yours.
you make my heart tingle and pound. flutter and fall into the pit of my stomach, in the most absolutely wonderful way. just one touch, one kiss, one look, and you've got me wrapped around your finger.
seth michael white, you are my heart and soul. my everything. my all. my one and only love.
only you, no matter what... always.
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