dad.

i'm so FUCKING angry at you.
i'm so mad.

i don't know how to let you go... or if i should.

part of me thinks i should. that you don't deserve to be a part of my life. that you don't deserve to even be able to see my facebook page because i share so much of my life on it. it's like giving the milk away for free. why bother with me when you can just check up on me through social media and make yourself feel better for knowing some of what's going on in my life.

but you don't know.
you have no fucking idea what i feel or what i go through everyday, in large part because of you.

i am depressed.
every single day that i wake up, i feel like hell.
i feel unloved and unloveable.
i feel broken.
i feel anxious and angry.

what the fuck happened to family?
nanny would be so ashamed of you.
she would be ashamed of all of her kids, but especially you, for abandoning me. for leaving me.

my life has disappointed me in many ways, but you have been the biggest disappointment life could have ever handed me.
my wedding is tainted because of you. because you aren't going to walk me down the aisle. because we don't even have a relationship.
yet i will probably invite you.

because i just can't fucking let you go.

part of me wishes you had died years ago just so i wouldn't have to feel this way.
at least then i could have remembered you as someone i respected, and someone who loved me.

what am i supposed to think of you now?

i try so hard.
SO HARD.
to give you the benefit of the doubt.
i try to rationalize your behaviour in my mind.
how would you know what fatherly behaviour is? your father was a piece of shit too. even worse than you are.
i try so hard.

but how long do i have to do this?
how long do i have to feel this way?
it is tearing me apart.

i hate you for making me less of a daughter.
i hate you for making me less of a partner.
i hate you for making me less of a good person and human being.

i am not whole.
because of you, i am not whole.
and because i am not whole... i cannot love myself or love others.

i hate you so much.