i really need to re-evaluate where my feelings are coming from, and i need to take a step back before projecting my inner demons on someone who doesn't really deserve it.
i need to let go of these things that are haunting me before it ruins yet another relationship.
nobody is perfect, but you are perfect for me. thank you, for sticking by me and wanting to understand my hurts. i am beyond lucky to have you and i am amazed you are still here after some of my crazy, emotional girl moments. but it just goes to show, you are real and you truly love me.
1/31/12
1/29/12
little diamonds in the rough
i keep trying to remind myself that even though things aren't going the way i want them to, that i am lucky nonetheless.
there are days when i surprisingily think to myself... 'i wish i could back track to 2010 because it was the best year of my life'. how funny that one of the best years of my life so far was the year following a very difficult break-up. but i had to learn to stand on my own. to validate myself and not need it from anyone else. to sort out my problems and sorrows on my own, instead of putting all my weight on another person.
anyways, the point is... not everything is falling into place exactly how i wish they would. but... i have a steady, pretty much full-time job. i have a roof over my head, and food in my belly (thanks to my mom, now mostly vegetarian/organic food, which i'm sure is a pain in the ass and more expensive, but she supports me regardless). i have endless amounts of clothes... nice clothes, i might add. i have two adorable, and crazy, cats that i get to come home to every day. i have awesome friends, regardless of the fact that we all have our own adult lives now with growing responsibilities that keep us from seeing eachother as much as we'd like. i have a wonderful, intelligent, sensitive, goofy, supportive, loving, and incredibly handsome (i might add) boyfriend, who i know loves me deeply and for the first time, i feel safe while being in love... which isn't easy for me.
last but not least, i am the daughter to the most incredible mother. a mom who loves me unconditionally. a mom who compliments me every day. a mom who is proud of me, regardless of the fact that i am not pursuing a career in the field i went to school for... she's just proud of the person i am, and that is more important. a mother who brings me food at work all the time, because i'm too much of a spoiled, lazy brat to get up earlier in the mornings or take the time at night after work to make my own lunches/dinners. a mom who is always trying her best to understand me and the things i go through daily. a mom who, as i mentioned previously, is broke, but not too broke to spend money on food for her newly pescetarian daughter. i could go on and on... (i love you mom).
not everything is always perfect... but i need to remind myself now and again that i AM lucky.
there are days when i surprisingily think to myself... 'i wish i could back track to 2010 because it was the best year of my life'. how funny that one of the best years of my life so far was the year following a very difficult break-up. but i had to learn to stand on my own. to validate myself and not need it from anyone else. to sort out my problems and sorrows on my own, instead of putting all my weight on another person.
anyways, the point is... not everything is falling into place exactly how i wish they would. but... i have a steady, pretty much full-time job. i have a roof over my head, and food in my belly (thanks to my mom, now mostly vegetarian/organic food, which i'm sure is a pain in the ass and more expensive, but she supports me regardless). i have endless amounts of clothes... nice clothes, i might add. i have two adorable, and crazy, cats that i get to come home to every day. i have awesome friends, regardless of the fact that we all have our own adult lives now with growing responsibilities that keep us from seeing eachother as much as we'd like. i have a wonderful, intelligent, sensitive, goofy, supportive, loving, and incredibly handsome (i might add) boyfriend, who i know loves me deeply and for the first time, i feel safe while being in love... which isn't easy for me.
last but not least, i am the daughter to the most incredible mother. a mom who loves me unconditionally. a mom who compliments me every day. a mom who is proud of me, regardless of the fact that i am not pursuing a career in the field i went to school for... she's just proud of the person i am, and that is more important. a mother who brings me food at work all the time, because i'm too much of a spoiled, lazy brat to get up earlier in the mornings or take the time at night after work to make my own lunches/dinners. a mom who is always trying her best to understand me and the things i go through daily. a mom who, as i mentioned previously, is broke, but not too broke to spend money on food for her newly pescetarian daughter. i could go on and on... (i love you mom).
not everything is always perfect... but i need to remind myself now and again that i AM lucky.
1/24/12
my past self
i wish i could find that optimistic, happy, confident girl i was a year ago.
where did she go?
how do i get her back?
where did she go?
how do i get her back?
1/23/12
today
i feel...
ignored
invisible
not good enough
not strong enough
not pretty enough
not thin enough
not muscular enough
not girly enough
not smart enough
lost
missing
incomplete
helpless
so very sad
underappreciated
not worth it
alone
abandoned
worn out
run over
on fire
drowning...
ignored
invisible
not good enough
not strong enough
not pretty enough
not thin enough
not muscular enough
not girly enough
not smart enough
lost
missing
incomplete
helpless
so very sad
underappreciated
not worth it
alone
abandoned
worn out
run over
on fire
drowning...
1/20/12
flaw
i hate making people feel like shit, or bringing up my feelings if i know they may hurt the feelings of the other person... even if the way they're acting makes me feel like shit.
1/6/12
clumsy
i'm never going to be the skinny, pretty girl who can wear anything and get away with it. i'm not the girl who can wear fancy clothes, or pretty dresses, and pull them off. i'm just too plain.
i'm never going to be the girl with long, thick, flowing hair... or the girl who knows how to do lots of different cute styles with it.
i'm never going to be the girl with the nicest hair, or nicest boobs, or nicest ass. there's really nothing special about me. or anything that i really even like, aside from my complexion and eye colour.
i'm never going to be the most intelligent.
i'm never going to be the girl who has it all together, and who has gotten over the people/things that have hurt her in the past.
i'm never going to be anything but ordinary.
i'm never going to be the girl with long, thick, flowing hair... or the girl who knows how to do lots of different cute styles with it.
i'm never going to be the girl with the nicest hair, or nicest boobs, or nicest ass. there's really nothing special about me. or anything that i really even like, aside from my complexion and eye colour.
i'm never going to be the most intelligent.
i'm never going to be the girl who has it all together, and who has gotten over the people/things that have hurt her in the past.
i'm never going to be anything but ordinary.
1/3/12
invisible
it really hurts when nobody writes "i miss you" or "i love you" on your wall.
i'm trying my best.
i'm trying my best.
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