ascension

since 2012 began, i've noticed a huge shift in myself. a strong desire to be better than i am, and to do what i can to make the world a better place.

i recently decided to start a pescetarian diet, and i'm happy to say it has now been almost 3 months. cutting meat out of my diet actually wasn't hard at all, and i have found since not eating it, that i not only lost weight, but i feel so much better about myself, as well as feeling healthier. seth has even decided to cut red meat from his diet, and it seems he is even starting to feel guilty whenever he eats chicken. so who knows! he may also decide to be pescetarian in the near future, although it's difficult while he's living at home with a family that eats meat like it's no one's business.

i've also recently discovered a very spiritual side of me. i think a part of me has always known that their is something out there greater than us (and no, i don't mean aliens... although i believe that they exist as well), but i could never really connect with that part of me, because society and religion has instilled these ridiculous images and thoughts of what "god" is. i don't believe in some giant guy up in the sky smiling down on us... i think that's kind of ridiculous. i believe in a higher self. i believe in mother nature. i believe in source. i believe in the universe, and in energies. i also believe in jesus (although that wasn't even his real name), and i believe that he came here to demonstrate to us what humankind is really made of. he came here to show us that we are all beings of light and love. to show us that we are infinite beings, and life does not ever truly end. only our physical bodies are gone when we die. i believe that you manifest everything into your life, and nothing is coincidence. i believe that "god" or "source" is in all of us, and life on earth isn't about learning or teaching... it is simply about experience and remembering who we really are. i believe 2012 isn't the end of the world, it is actually the beginning in a lot of ways. we are all about to wake up and remember.

everything is starting to make so much sense to me, and i can't begin to describe how that feels or how good i feel lately.

s.

i love you.
i'm so in love with you.

missing

i really need to re-evaluate where my feelings are coming from, and i need to take a step back before projecting my inner demons on someone who doesn't really deserve it.

i need to let go of these things that are haunting me before it ruins yet another relationship.

nobody is perfect, but you are perfect for me. thank you, for sticking by me and wanting to understand my hurts. i am beyond lucky to have you and i am amazed you are still here after some of my crazy, emotional girl moments. but it just goes to show, you are real and you truly love me.

little diamonds in the rough

i keep trying to remind myself that even though things aren't going the way i want them to, that i am lucky nonetheless.

there are days when i surprisingily think to myself... 'i wish i could back track to 2010 because it was the best year of my life'. how funny that one of the best years of my life so far was the year following a very difficult break-up. but i had to learn to stand on my own. to validate myself and not need it from anyone else. to sort out my problems and sorrows on my own, instead of putting all my weight on another person.

anyways, the point is... not everything is falling into place exactly how i wish they would. but... i have a steady, pretty much full-time job. i have a roof over my head, and food in my belly (thanks to my mom, now mostly vegetarian/organic food, which i'm sure is a pain in the ass and more expensive, but she supports me regardless). i have endless amounts of clothes... nice clothes, i might add. i have two adorable, and crazy, cats that i get to come home to every day. i have awesome friends, regardless of the fact that we all have our own adult lives now with growing responsibilities that keep us from seeing eachother as much as we'd like. i have a wonderful, intelligent, sensitive, goofy, supportive, loving, and incredibly handsome (i might add) boyfriend, who i know loves me deeply and for the first time, i feel safe while being in love... which isn't easy for me.

last but not least, i am the daughter to the most incredible mother. a mom who loves me unconditionally. a mom who compliments me every day. a mom who is proud of me, regardless of the fact that i am not pursuing a career in the field i went to school for... she's just proud of the person i am, and that is more important. a mother who brings me food at work all the time, because i'm too much of a spoiled, lazy brat to get up earlier in the mornings or take the time at night after work to make my own lunches/dinners. a mom who is always trying her best to understand me and the things i go through daily. a mom who, as i mentioned previously, is broke, but not too broke to spend money on food for her newly pescetarian daughter. i could go on and on... (i love you mom).

not everything is always perfect... but i need to remind myself now and again that i AM lucky.

my past self

i wish i could find that optimistic, happy, confident girl i was a year ago.
where did she go?
how do i get her back?

today

i feel...
ignored
invisible
not good enough
not strong enough
not pretty enough
not thin enough
not muscular enough
not girly enough
not smart enough
lost
missing
incomplete
helpless
so very sad
underappreciated
not worth it
alone
abandoned
worn out
run over
on fire

drowning...

flaw

i hate making people feel like shit, or bringing up my feelings if i know they may hurt the feelings of the other person... even if the way they're acting makes me feel like shit.

clumsy

i'm never going to be the skinny, pretty girl who can wear anything and get away with it. i'm not the girl who can wear fancy clothes, or pretty dresses, and pull them off. i'm just too plain.
i'm never going to be the girl with long, thick, flowing hair... or the girl who knows how to do lots of different cute styles with it.
i'm never going to be the girl with the nicest hair, or nicest boobs, or nicest ass. there's really nothing special about me. or anything that i really even like, aside from my complexion and eye colour.
i'm never going to be the most intelligent.
i'm never going to be the girl who has it all together, and who has gotten over the people/things that have hurt her in the past.
i'm never going to be anything but ordinary.

invisible

it really hurts when nobody writes "i miss you" or "i love you" on your wall.
i'm trying my best.