"because i know there are people who say all these things don't happen. and there are people who forget what it's like to be sixteen when they turn seventeen. i know these will all be stories some day, and our pictures will become old photographs. we all become somebody's mom or dad. but right now, these moments are not stories. this is happening. i am here, and i am looking at her. and she is so beautiful. i can see it. this one moment when you know you're not a sad story. you are alive. and you stand up and see the lights on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder. and you're listening to that song, and that drive with the people you love most in this world. and in this moment, i swear, we are infinite." - stephen chbosky, the perks of being a wallflower.
9/15/15
8/24/15
8/16/15
self-loathing.
i don't like who i have become.
i'm so afraid to get close to someone again that i avoid the friendships that could potentially be long-lasting and worth my time and effort.
i treat my mom and my fiancé like shit because i'm testing them. subconsciously, i'm testing them because everyone else leaves; why wouldn't they leave me too?
i hate myself.
i don't care about anything and yet i care about everything way too much.
i'm pretty sure i'm losing my mind.
but here goes the wedding planning!
i'm so afraid to get close to someone again that i avoid the friendships that could potentially be long-lasting and worth my time and effort.
i treat my mom and my fiancé like shit because i'm testing them. subconsciously, i'm testing them because everyone else leaves; why wouldn't they leave me too?
i hate myself.
i don't care about anything and yet i care about everything way too much.
i'm pretty sure i'm losing my mind.
but here goes the wedding planning!
dad.
i'm so FUCKING angry at you.
i'm so mad.
i don't know how to let you go... or if i should.
part of me thinks i should. that you don't deserve to be a part of my life. that you don't deserve to even be able to see my facebook page because i share so much of my life on it. it's like giving the milk away for free. why bother with me when you can just check up on me through social media and make yourself feel better for knowing some of what's going on in my life.
but you don't know.
you have no fucking idea what i feel or what i go through everyday, in large part because of you.
i am depressed.
every single day that i wake up, i feel like hell.
i feel unloved and unloveable.
i feel broken.
i feel anxious and angry.
what the fuck happened to family?
nanny would be so ashamed of you.
she would be ashamed of all of her kids, but especially you, for abandoning me. for leaving me.
my life has disappointed me in many ways, but you have been the biggest disappointment life could have ever handed me.
my wedding is tainted because of you. because you aren't going to walk me down the aisle. because we don't even have a relationship.
yet i will probably invite you.
because i just can't fucking let you go.
part of me wishes you had died years ago just so i wouldn't have to feel this way.
at least then i could have remembered you as someone i respected, and someone who loved me.
what am i supposed to think of you now?
i try so hard.
SO HARD.
to give you the benefit of the doubt.
i try to rationalize your behaviour in my mind.
how would you know what fatherly behaviour is? your father was a piece of shit too. even worse than you are.
i try so hard.
but how long do i have to do this?
how long do i have to feel this way?
it is tearing me apart.
i hate you for making me less of a daughter.
i hate you for making me less of a partner.
i hate you for making me less of a good person and human being.
i am not whole.
because of you, i am not whole.
and because i am not whole... i cannot love myself or love others.
i hate you so much.
i'm so mad.
i don't know how to let you go... or if i should.
part of me thinks i should. that you don't deserve to be a part of my life. that you don't deserve to even be able to see my facebook page because i share so much of my life on it. it's like giving the milk away for free. why bother with me when you can just check up on me through social media and make yourself feel better for knowing some of what's going on in my life.
but you don't know.
you have no fucking idea what i feel or what i go through everyday, in large part because of you.
i am depressed.
every single day that i wake up, i feel like hell.
i feel unloved and unloveable.
i feel broken.
i feel anxious and angry.
what the fuck happened to family?
nanny would be so ashamed of you.
she would be ashamed of all of her kids, but especially you, for abandoning me. for leaving me.
my life has disappointed me in many ways, but you have been the biggest disappointment life could have ever handed me.
my wedding is tainted because of you. because you aren't going to walk me down the aisle. because we don't even have a relationship.
yet i will probably invite you.
because i just can't fucking let you go.
part of me wishes you had died years ago just so i wouldn't have to feel this way.
at least then i could have remembered you as someone i respected, and someone who loved me.
what am i supposed to think of you now?
i try so hard.
SO HARD.
to give you the benefit of the doubt.
i try to rationalize your behaviour in my mind.
how would you know what fatherly behaviour is? your father was a piece of shit too. even worse than you are.
i try so hard.
but how long do i have to do this?
how long do i have to feel this way?
it is tearing me apart.
i hate you for making me less of a daughter.
i hate you for making me less of a partner.
i hate you for making me less of a good person and human being.
i am not whole.
because of you, i am not whole.
and because i am not whole... i cannot love myself or love others.
i hate you so much.
7/20/15
7/11/15
7/25/14
7/9/14
summertime sadness
- only one of my friends in brampton has made an effort to hang out with me. after over a year of living away from home, i guess i was silly to think anyone missed me.
- after applying to over approximately 70 jobs, i finally landed a part time position at pet valu. the store was sold to a new owner, who has cut my shifts down from 5 to 1 per week.
- i am $900 in my overdraft and literally have no money to do anything at all.
- i have gained back all of the weight i lost while working out with seth and more.
- my CD player AND my TV have stopped working properly, conveniently when i have no money at all to fix either.
- yet another one of my friends has decided to take off on me.
i realize i'm just feeding into my sadness, but i'm honestly having the worst summer of my entire life. i thought this summer would be amazing because i wasn't going to be in school like last summer, and i was so sure i would land a job instantly that would provide me with at least enough money to be able to do fun things this summer.
i just want to go to sleep and not wake up until it's time to go back to school.
- after applying to over approximately 70 jobs, i finally landed a part time position at pet valu. the store was sold to a new owner, who has cut my shifts down from 5 to 1 per week.
- i am $900 in my overdraft and literally have no money to do anything at all.
- i have gained back all of the weight i lost while working out with seth and more.
- my CD player AND my TV have stopped working properly, conveniently when i have no money at all to fix either.
- yet another one of my friends has decided to take off on me.
i realize i'm just feeding into my sadness, but i'm honestly having the worst summer of my entire life. i thought this summer would be amazing because i wasn't going to be in school like last summer, and i was so sure i would land a job instantly that would provide me with at least enough money to be able to do fun things this summer.
i just want to go to sleep and not wake up until it's time to go back to school.
6/2/14
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