amends

i want to apologize for a lot of my actions and the way i handled things.
while i wasn't intentionally hurtful or mean, i know that i let my emotions get the best of me and i acted/spoke without thinking first.
i was selfish and feeling sorry for myself and i felt like letting go would mean forgetting and erasing.

but that person is gone now.

sowing season

there comes a point in your life where you have to make a choice. a choice between letting all the shitty things that have happened to you in the past affect the rest of your life and using them as excuses for your actions, thoughts, feelings, behaviour... or you can look them dead in the eye, acknowledge, accept and let go.

i refuse to let you be the reason i end up alone. i refuse to let you make me feel unloveable and unworthy of love. i refuse to let you be the excuses in my life. i refuse to let you be the reason i feel sorry for myself. i refuse to let anyone else but myself be responsible for how my life is going to play out.

it's up to no one else but me. no one else can be held accountable but me.

i'm letting this go... for good. the ball is in your court now, dad. if you want me, you know where to find me. maybe you will, maybe you won't.

but i don't want to be "poor me" anymore. i'm done.